Under The Oakes

If you have children of your own, you know how much they drastically change your life. I can remember when our oldest son was just a few months old holding him while talking to my mom & she asked me if I could remember life without him. I truthfully couldn’t. The love I had for this “sack of bones” as I called him for the first few months, was so intense, but also so different than any other love I had for those currently in my life. While my tone doesn’t always show love to him these days (he’s entering his pre-teen years, so we’re in the bro, dude phrase), my love for him is just as passionate… 

He is such a sweet, compassionate young boy, & is growing into a great young man. However I often find myself wondering where my sweet boy is going, as the glimpses of his sweet kind nature are becoming fleeting as he is in his pre-teen years. But I know God has him & my wife & I are praying & trusting that God will carry him, well actually, mainly us, through these teenage years. Especially with his younger brother a few years behind him, watching his every move. 

As I have been able to spend more time with my family the past few months, I have found myself saying something over & over to my son(s). I may come in the room & see him doing something he knows he shouldn’t be doing. Or I will be running around in the morning getting ready & he will be stuck in 1st gear moving SUPER slow. I will get asked these crazy ideas from him on things he wants to do, or experiments he wants to try. More often than not, I start my sentence with, “I love you, but…….” “I love you, but please don’t stand in the doorway right now”, “I love you, but please stop jumping on the couch”, “I love you, but please stop antagonizing your very fragile brother right now”, “I love you, but I’m not buying you a $200 lego set”.

Over the past week or two I have felt this conviction of those four words. I love you but….. Every time it comes out of my mouth, I cringe a little & I think about how I don’t like that phrase. I think about how if a stranger heard me saying those words to my children while in the Walmart aisle, or what if I heard someone else say that to their kids, “I love you, but”…. It hit me like a freight train one day. It forced me to ask myself, is my love for my child(ren) conditional? Is that what I’m telling him? Now let me pause & say that I am not saying I should be a simple “yes” man…. Saying no to my children is very important for them, & maybe, probably, definitely, slightly enjoyed by me at times…. (If you don’t agree, you’ve obviously never had kids, or worked with them!) What I have been fighting internally, is why is there a “but” in that sentence? Shouldn’t my love for my children be passionate, Christlike, unconditional & eternal? 

What is Christlike love? Well Romans 5:8 tells us that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. God loved us while we were wretched sinners. God didn’t say, “change first, then I’ll love you”. Later in Romans 8:38-39 we read that nothing can separate us from God’s love. “³⁸For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” God’s love is so fierce & powerful that NOTHING can separate us. Praise God for that! I don’t want my children to hear separation when I tell them, “I love you, but”… I want them to know that nothing will make me stop loving them. I know that they will make some decisions in their adult life that I may not agree with, but that won’t mean I don’t love them. Why? Because of what the love of Christ has shown me. His love for me is not rooted in my behavior, but in Christ’s character! (Praise God for that!) “9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.“ (1 John 4:9-10) I don’t want my children to go through their day thinking that my love for them is based off their performance. 

I have already echoed this, but let me be clear, I don’t want you to misread that I am saying unconditional love = unconditional approval. I pray daily for my children to walk with the Lord, to be trained up in His ways, so when they are old they will not depart (Proverbs 22:6). I know many of you have had seasons, or may be now in a season where your child is walking away from God, or not walking with Him at the very least (which is the same thing)… We either get closer to God, or further, we don’t maintain, & then it’s like treading water not moving…. But that’s a separate topic. For those of you who are in that season, my heart goes out to you in a big way. I am praying for you as you manage this hurdle in your life. You want what’s best for your children, & you know God has that answer for their lives. I am not ignorant to the fact that my children will have the option later in life for how to live their life. My wife & I pray for them to honor God & be close to Him & His Word in ALL things! But even if they don’t, unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional approval.

I’ll leave you with this passage from Psalm 103:13-14, “13 As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. 14 For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.” We serve a Father who knows our weaknesses, He knows our beginning, & what these verses don’t tell us, He knows our end too. There is such comfort in that for me, & I pray you feel that same comfort & peace in your relationship with Him. I want my children not to see me, but to see Christ. I try to be more active, less reactive, more Christ, less Evan, & I want to continually point them to their Heavenly Father who loves them so much more & perfect than I ever could. 

So I am going to work on this. Instead of saying, “I love you, but….”, I am going to tell them, “I love you, therefore….”, “I love you therefore please get off the couch before you hurt yourself jumping crazy”, “I love you, therefore, please get out of the doorway so I don’t knock you down running around like a chicken with my head cut off”, “I love you, therefore I need you to be the bigger boy & be a big brother to your little brother & let him think in this moment he’s right, instead of arguing with him, causing a ultra meltdown.” Will this change anything in their life? I don’t honestly know… But at least they won’t hear from their own father that my love is conditional. If this resonates with you at all, I encourage you to keep your eyes on Christ, & spend time in His Word daily. Spend time in prayer & listening to worship music. The days that I spend pursuing my relationship with Him are my best days. The days where I get a nice quiet time in the morning, prayer, worship music in my spare time, even if it’s doing dishes after the kids go to bed, those are the days I want to repeat. The days that I am so busy I don’t spend time with Him, are some of my worst days… Imagine that…. There’s another writing in there, but I’ll save that for another day… Pursue Him, honor Him, glorify Him, in ALL you do! Be blessed!